[best with an old landline phone or some stock sounds of one ringing, dialing and hanging up, though not required] [in a slightly whiny inflection, and preferably either slight New Orleans inflection or generic Floridian or valleygirl college break type voice] [dialing noises if available] [phone ringing] [pause] Ahh...damn iiit! Why won't you pick up? [pause, hanging up noise if available] I can't BELIEVE I'm here. I can't BELIEVE this. I just go out to catch a few beads, and what, they lock me up here? They didn't even give me time to get my shirt back from that guy... [pause] This whole thing just sucks. Why don't they just get rid of this virus already? All I did was go outside, and I wasn't even in the crowd, I was like, on the bar balcony. Obviously, I'm not sick. [pause, slight panic in tone] Right? Oh god, I'm not sick right? [pause, heavier breathing, then calmer] Obviously not. They just locked me here in this stupid old apartment. Has this place even been cleaned this century? So gross. [pause] I can't believe that bathroom door is stuck. Why wouldn't they check that? This is such a... [long sigh] Guess I'd better call again. [pause, dialing, ringing] Yeah, hi, um your....oh. Damn it! [hanging up noise if available] Why is it still going to voicemail? This is the number THEY gave me! [pause, sound of pacing] Damn, damn, damn! They could have at least let me pee first if they were going to lock me in here with this broken-ass door. I...wonder...let me see. [pause, footsteps, maybe a few little taps on wood] There's no reason it would be locked, I think it's really just stuck. Maybe... Maybe if I just hit it with my shoulder hard enough? Ooh, no way. If they're not even picking up I'd be stuck here with a broken arm or something... Besides, even if it opens, I'm definitely going to pee myself either way if I slam into it like that. [pause, pacing noises] Damn...why did this have to happen over spring break? [long irritated sigh] No shirt, free beer. Yeah, asshole, well if you told me I was going to get kidnapped by FEMA I wouldn't have had so many! [irritated groan] [dialing, ringing noises] Yeah, hi, okay I'm leaving a message to say I'm in your...whatever...Unit 707, and I really need.... [hanging up noise if available, pause] Come on. What the hell am I acting shy about? This is their fault for locking me in here. [dialing, ringing noises, deep breath] Yeah, hi. Unit 707. The door's broken, so unless you want me...to...[trails off uncertainly] [deep breaths, calming self down] Just say it. Honestly. Oh, I have to go so bad...hhff... [pause, dialing, ringing] [starting out in a confident tone before voice breaking down midway, then recovering] It's Unit 707. You geniuses locked me in here with a broken bathroom door, okay? So unless you actually listen to your damn messages and come fix it, I'm gonna pi...ss...I'm going...to....ha....have to...on the floor...I-I'm going to have a problem if you don't fix it, okay? Get to it! [long pause, shaky breathing] ...they're not going to listen to it. No one's even there I bet. [hard swallow and shaky breathing] I hope they don't listen, wow...that was pathetic. [pained quiet laughter at own expense] I'm really going to have to decide what to do here. [long sigh] Do I really just have to pee on the floor? That's awful. I guess I need to take off my shorts at least, before they get soaked. No one's coming to fix it anyways. [unzipping and cloth shuffling sound] Oh...these have to come off too, I guess. I leaked more than I thought. [cloth shuffling] Damn it...now I have to hang these up somewhere. [slow, unsteady steps] Oh...careful. This could be bad. They'd better not come in here right now. More of a free show than I want to give, no matter how many beads they have. [slight giggling] Heh, guy comes in with a hazmat suit and mask and beads all over his arms... [slight laughter, then quiet panicked stage whisper] Ooh! Oh no! Can't do that again...better keep them crossed. [annoyed again] Ewww...down my leg? Come on...I really need to think of something. [slightly labored breathing and hmming] Man, if one of these gallon jugs were empty, it's a small hole but I could probably... [weary sigh] I really don't want to piss in my own drinking water, especially if they're not coming, but I can't keep this up much longer. I guess...well...fuck it. [uncapping sound] [sound of you chugging a quart or so of water while struggling slightly] [gasping for breath, breathing hard, moaning slightly] Ohhh...mistake. Mistake! Leaking again...Uhhh, come on, guess I'm really doing this... [various gasping, sighing, panting, and sound of you peeing into a previously empty jug or bottle] Ohhhhhh. [panting] Fuck. That was close. [panting] Well. At least I didn't spill much. [recovering breath] Now what the HELL am I going to wipe with?!